My Girl
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: The Janitor accidentally hits Dr. Cox with a mop. Once he regains consciousness, he sees JD in a whole new light.


Disclaimer: Not mine at all, obviously

-x-x

I'm not entirely sure what I did that made the Janitor angry this time. Maybe he's simply bored, I don't know. What I do know is that he has a mop, and I haven't. It's not fair.

But what he doesn't know, is that I have been practising. Practising for this exact moment. A part of me has always known that sooner or later the Janitor was going hit me with the mop. So that part of me made some preparations. Did some practising with Turk for this exact moment. The part had to do surprisingly little convincing in order for Turk to help. Maybe Turk also likes hitting me with a mop. I don't know that either. What I also do know, is that I'm getting good at avoiding a mop. Turk can only hit me two times out of five now, and Turk is very good at hitting people with mops. Maybe he was a janitor in a previous life.

But this is the Janitor, and as good as Turk is, he's nothing compared to this man. I bet that the Janitor has been practising too. Maybe he's got some dummy with scrubs and a black wig stashed in some broom cupboard that he calls JD and hits with his mop. Well, no matter how much he's been practising, there's one difference between me and a dummy

I got the moves.

It's like time has slowed down like in the Matrix when I see the Janitor make his move. Aha, hit me on the head from the right side, Agent Smith? I've got the move to avoid that one down, my man. Down like Australia. Or something that makes sense, I can't think. I'm too busy avoiding the mop.

"Newbie!"

Yes! Yes! He swings over me! I can feel the air rush over me as he fails to hit me with his mop! I am the king of mop avoidance! The king! I get up and cheer, but then I realise that everyone around me is quiet. Even the nurses are, and they're usually chatting to each other about something. For a minute I think it's an impressed silence, that I've wowed everyone with my impressive mop avoidance skills. Then I turn around, and see Dr. Cox on the floor.

I turn to look at the Janitor, who is mopping the floor twenty feet away. How does the man move so fast? Does he practise that too? Is he secretly some sneaky stealthy ninja Janitor? Because that would be the coolest thing ever. He catches me looking at him, and makes a threatening move with his mop. I back away, and almost trip over Dr. Cox who is still lying on the floor. He is so going to kill me when he wakes up. Real killing. Not the jokey fun kind of threatening to kill me. Really properly kill me. He'll throw me off the hospital roof, I bet. Maybe I should get out of here. Right now. The sooner the better.

So why am I not moving?

-x-x

"Relax, Bambi, it could've happened to anyone," Carla told me. "It's not your fault the Janitor accidentally knocked Dr. Cox out.

I was sitting on a chair in the same room with Dr. Cox, who thankfully was still unconscious. The Janitor must've hit him good to make him still be unconscious like that. I hoped the Janitor was as wrecked with guilt as I was. He probably wasn't, but I could hope

"No way that could've happened to anyone! Only my man JD can avoid a mop like that! Didn't you see him move, Carla? I helped him with that." Turk and I high-fived. "Thanks to me he's not the one lying there unconscious. Ain't that right?

I just nodded. Carla had given me one of the lollipops from the nurse's station to stop me hyperventilating. I don't think it's an entirely medically sound solution, but it works for me. Especially the strawberry ones. They're yummy.

"Are you telling me that you and him have been working on that? What, you tried hitting JD with a mop and he tried avoiding it?" Carla asked, eyebrow raised

"That's exactly what we have been doing, baby. And it worked! JD completely avoided the janitor's mop." Turk beamed at me. "We rock." We started to high-five again, but I froze when Carla glared at me.

"Well, maybe next time you can invite Dr. Cox for your little mop hitting game," She said.

I looked at Turk and took the lollipop out of my mouth. "Do you-

"No way in hell, JD. No way in hell," Turk replied.

I sulked with the lollipop back in my mouth. Turk didn't even know what I was going to ask. For all he knew I was about to ask 'do you think these scrubs go with my hair' or something. He couldn't have known I was about to ask 'do you think that's a good idea'. He couldn't, because Turk isn't psychic. Not as far as I know, anyway

There was a groan from the general direction of Dr. Cox, and I turned to look at him. I hoped he wasn't conscious yet, so I could at least avoid his anger for a moment more. I hadn't even done half the things I wanted to in my life! I couldn't get killed now!

Carla patted me on my shoulder. "Don't worry, Bambi. We're here for you."

I sort of gulped, which made me almost choke on my lollipop and by the time I was breathing normally again, Dr. Cox was sitting up and looking at me. I knew I should've fled when I had the chance. "What's the chance of him having such brain damage that he doesn't know who I am anymore?" I asked Carla quietly, hoping Dr. Cox wouldn't hear it.

"Like I could ever forget you, Margaret," He told me. "Quick, someone hit me with a mop again just so I can try to forget about you. Please, hit me. I'm not even being sarcastic here, just knock me out so I won't have to remember every little detail about you, princess."

Right. No brain damage at all. I should get so lucky. I continued to sulk with my lollipop. At least the strawberry flavour was there for me.

"Oh, would you look at the time," Turk muttered vaguely, looking at everything but me. "I think it's time I did that panderasectomy I had scheduled for this afternoon." He quickly left the room.

"You made that up!" I yelled after him. I may not be a surgeon like he is, but I know he pulled that ectomy from his ass. It didn't help, Turk had left the room and I was left with only Carla between me and Dr. Cox' terrible terrible wrath. Maybe she could buy me ten seconds so I could join Turk in that panderasectomy of his.

Dr. Cox was eyeing me in a manner he had never done before. That must be his 'I am so going to kill you, and I am not even close to kidding about that, so don't even think about running from me, insert girly name here.' face. It was beginning to scare me.

Then Dr. Kelso appeared out of nowhere, startling Carla, myself and Dr. Cox, which made me feel slightly better about being startled. I don't know how Dr. Kelso does it, but he just appears out of nowhere when you least want him to. So him appearing now that I could use someone to distract Dr. Cox while I left was too good to be true. There was going to be a catch.

"Ah, Dr. Cox, I see you're in the land of the living again," Dr. Kelso said cheerfully. "How unfortunate." It was amazing how quickly Dr. Kelso could switch between annoyingly cheerful and just plain scary.

Dr. Cox have him a cheerful smile, which was kind of scary in itself. "I most certainly am, Bob! Thank you for noticing!"

Dr. Kelso grumbled something and then pulled Ted into the room with him. "Fix this, Ted." He glared at everyone in the room at the same time, and left

Ted looked at Dr. Cox and started trembling more with each passing second that Dr. Cox kept up the creepy cheerful smile. "Dr. Cox?" He asked after a painful minute. "Please oh PLEASE don't sue this hospital. We'll fire the janitor if you want, just don't sue!" He was on his knees now, clutching Dr. Cox' legs like it was a life buoy.

I sat up at that, because any scheme that would get the Janitor out of this hospital was a-okay with me. I gave Dr. Cox my best hopeful puppy dog eyes, the ones that convinced Turk to buy Rowdy all those years ago, mentally willing him to tell Ted to fire the Janitor right here right now

"No, thank you, Susan. I think I can handle the janitor myself," Dr. Cox said, giving me that strange 'I am going to kill you for real and no one is ever going to find the body' look again. I don't know why Carla wasn't as scared as I was. I slumped in my chair when I heard that. Maybe I should've left myself get hit by the Janitor after all. Maybe then Ted would've offered to fire the Janitor for me. Dammit, why did I have to duck out of the way?

"Please let us do something for you so you won't sue!" Ted insisted, still clutching Dr. Cox' knees. "Let me at least you get a coffee or something."

Dr. Cox looked at Ted again, giving me some respite from the 'you are so very dead' look. "Here's what you can do. You can let Margaret here give me a ride home so I can enjoy the rest of the day not being knocked unconscious by crazy janitors, okay?"

Wait, he just called me Margaret twice. He never calls me the same name twice. At least not in one day. Dr. Cox must be slipping. Or maybe there was brain damage after all. Then again, it was hard to tell with Dr. Cox if he was acting strangely because he's being himself, or because of actual brain damage.

Ted gave me a pleading look. "Please take the nice doctor home?"

I looked up at Carla, hoping she could give me an out, but she just shrugged. "You heard the lawyer man, Bambi. And besides, it kind of is your fault Dr. Cox got knocked out."

I tried to say no to my guilt and Carla and Ted, I really did. No way that I was going drive Dr. Cox home so he could kill me in my own car and then dump it in a conveniently nearby lake, and upon questioning he would just lie that I had dropped him off at his place and must've driven into the lake on the way back to the hospital. He'd better not try showing up at my funeral.

Dr. Cox tossed Carla a set of keys. "Can you get some of my things out of my locker, Carla?"

"Sure thing, Dr. Cox." She caught the keys and patted me on my shoulder. "Be nice, Bambi." And with that, my lifebuoy left me.

I tried to think of something that could get me out of this room, or at least something that could get someone else into this room, because leaving Dr. Cox alone now would be a very bad thing. I carefully edged my way to the door, keeping an eye on Dr. Cox, just in case he would leap from the bed to strangle me. I was getting close to escaping when I noticed who was just outside the door. The Janitor. With his mop. Also looking like he was going to kill me.

I think I'd rather have Dr. Cox kill me. He's a doctor and would probably know how to make it less painful. I edged my way back into the room, hoping Dr. Cox hadn't noticed I was trying to get the hell out of here.

"What's wrong, Margaret?" He asked me. "I don't bite. Unless you want me to."

And then he grinned and I think he may have winked at me as well, which was just plain disturbing, because Dr. Cox does not wink at me. Ever. Especially not after giving me mental images where I'm Little Red Riding Hood and he's the Big Bad Wolf. Although I look pretty good in red, I'll admit that. And he called me Margaret again. Something was definitely up. "Dr. Cox? Why do you keep calling me Margaret?"

"You mean that isn't your name?" He asked, looking like he was genuinely surprised. "Or do you prefer Mary? I can call you Mary."

"No, uhm, just, Margaret is fine," I said eventually. Now, something was not quite right here. He wasn't as sarcastic and mean as usual, which was confusing. Maybe he had some brain damage and we simply hadn't noticed? "Dr. Cox, are you feeling, y'know, good? Healthy? Normal? Fine?" Un brain damaged?

"I'm feeling all those things and more, Margaret!" He grinned. "And why wouldn't I be, with a woman like you to take care of me."

And then he sort of looked me up and down, which was weird in itself, and then he grinned again except now it had a hungry quality as well. It was the same look Carla had whenever anyone else has fries. It's usually followed by Carla stealing the other's fries and then getting angry whenever we call her on it. So now we never eat fries anymore. "Would you like me to get you something to eat? 'Cause I can do that," I offered. It was a good plan. It made me look helpful and got me out of this room. Surely the Janitor was done mopping the hallway in front of the door now.

"Maybe later," Dr. Cox said, still smiling.

I nodded. Good, this was a normal conversation. This I could handle. "Yeah, we could pick up something on the drive to your place. I was thinking Chinese, but if you want pizza that's cool too." Did that sound normal and nonchalant? I hope so.

"Trust me, Margaret, I have everything I need at my place," Dr. Cox said. "We won't need to pick up anything." He looked me up and down again, and dammit, we were back at the awkward conversation part again. Was there an innuendo in there somewhere? Because I think there was, but it's hard to be entirely sure without The Todd being here to confirm it for me. Maybe I could page him? And then leave him here with a demented Dr. Cox?

I was contemplating my master escape plan when Carla walked in with some of Dr. Cox' things and returned the keys. She must've noticed the bit of panic in my eyes though. "Bambi?" She asked, frowning.

I pulled her aside while Dr. Cox checked his things. "I think he really thinks I'm a girl!" I shrieked as quietly as possible.

"What? No, you must be mistaken, Bambi. He can't think you're a girl. We checked for brain damage, remember?" Carla said sensibly.

"No, no, it's true! He keeps calling me Margaret, and I swear he's been checking me out and flirting with me," I told her. "It's scary!"

Carla just smiled at me. "Bambi, he always calls you girl's names. I thought you'd be used to it by now."

"You don't understand," I hissed. "He's not being as sarcastic and mean as usual!"

"Are you two ladies done talking? 'Cause I thought Margaret here was going to drive me home, and well, if she's not doing it, I might as well get a cab," Dr. Cox said impatiently.

"See!" I turned to Carla. "No sarcasm or insults. Besides the girly name, I mean."

"That is strange," Carla admitted. "But look, just go along with it, okay? Just let him call you Margaret." She smiled. "If it gets too weird, just page me and I'll come running, okay?"

I nodded and realised that I had just agreed to take Dr. Cox to his place. In my car. This was not going to end well.

-x-x-

The drive itself had been fine, once I gave up on telling Dr. Cox to stop fiddling with my radio. He fiddled anyway, and I was pretty sure I would never find back the radio station I really liked. I gritted my teeth and reminded myself that so long as Dr. Cox was fiddling with the radio he was not killing me and that could only be a good thing. Although I wasn't entirely sure if Dr. Cox had 'killing JD' on his mind, what with the weird flirting and calling me Margaret constantly.

I said to myself that I would simply leave once he had gotten into his apartment safely. Those elevators could be pretty dangerous for brain damaged men. But for some reason I was now inside his apartment, on his couch. I was watching him make himself a drink. I had considered warning him about the combination of alcohol and medicine, but I figured that he was a doctor as well, and maybe, just maybe, if I didn't say anything, he'd forget I was here in the first place and I could just leave quietly. I grabbed my coat and slowly got up from the couch, but he turned around. Had he heard me? Did he have sneaky stealth ninja powers as well?

"Leaving so soon, Margaret?" He asked, two drinks in his hands.

Wait a minute, two? Had he made me one too? Because that was nice of him, even if I had to drive back to the hospital in a minute. Still, one drink couldn't really hurt. Then again, knowing Dr. Cox, he had probably made two drinks for himself, just to make me think he had made me one too. But I wasn't going to fall for that. I was smarter than a brain damaged Dr. Cox, dammit. "No, not at all. I was just… stretching," I said, sitting down again. I kept clutching my coat, just in case another escape chance presented itself.

He nodded. "You do that. You… stretch."

I winced once he turned his back to me. That was definitely an innuendo. What the hell was I supposed to do now? Dr. Cox was hitting on me in his brain damaged state! If he found out now he was really hitting on me he was going to get even more brain damaged. And he was definitely going to damage my brain once he found out. Okay, Carla had said to go with it, and that's what I'm going to do. I'll just graciously accept the drink and make my way out of here before this can go any further. And besides, how much further can it go? It's not like Dr. Cox is the type to have sex with a woman he just met.

Then I remember he is exactly the type to do that. "Hussy," I mutter to myself. But wait, maybe I can say that I'm 'not that kind of girl'. And then I can leave and no one need ever know. I smile happily to myself. This is going to work out just fine.

Of course, I hadn't counted on Dr. Cox sitting right next to me, with his arm around my shoulder to give me my drink. "Gee, thanks," I said, accepting the drink and trying to scoot away. That plan didn't work, because as soon as I took the drink, his hand had an iron grip on my shoulder. Okay, JD, don't move a muscle. Wait until he's distracted by something and then make a run for it. Just calm down, he's not going to bite you.

Damn, now I've reminded myself of Little Red Riding JD and the Big Bad Dr. Cox. I look cute with blonde pigtails.

"Oh, it's no bother, Margaret. So, tell me about yourself, where're you from, how long have you worked at Sacred Hearts, where do you live and, most importantly, is there are certain special someone in your life?" Then he gulped down his scotch, and I took the opportunity to throw mine in a nearby plant. At least I was still good to drive. Then he grabbed my glass and put it away. "Was that enough small talk?"

I was thinking of a good way to say 'no, please, tell me your life's story' without sounding like I was stalling for time when he kissed me. Now, my plan had been to leave before any of this could possibly happen, so I can't blame my brain for completely bailing on me.

By the time my brain had gotten its act together, I was lying on the couch and Dr. Cox was on top of me. Again, this was not part of my master escape plan, but maybe if I went with it for a bit, he would eventually get bored. Yeah, right, JD, like you would get bored making out with a pretty girl. Hey, does this means Dr. Cox thinks I'm pretty? Or only pretty if he really thinks I'm a girl? Because that's disturbing and flattering at the same time. I wonder if he also thinks I'm easy, because I'm making out on our first date. I guess I'm a pretty cheap date. I mean, he only made me one drink and I didn't even actually drink it. Note to self: become less of a cheap date.

And I will do that right after I escape from Dr. Cox molesting me with my dignity intact.

"Mmmprf," I said. Which was a big mistake, because once I opened my mouth to 'mmmprf', there were tongues involved and I had definitely not been planning on that to happen. And I think Dr. Cox took that as a sign that I was willing and able because one of his hands was moving up my shirt, while the other one was moving down my trousers.

But at least he was done kissing me now, that was something. Not that it was unpleasant or anything, I mean, I've had worse. It's a bit sad when a kiss from your brain damaged mentor ranks in your top ten kisses. I didn't have time to think about that though, since he was now doing unspeakable things to my neck, which made me giggle a bit. What can I say, I'm a ticklish guy. 

"You like that?" Dr. Cox grunted, which made me remember that I should do no giggling at all since he took that as a positive sign. He continued to do unspeakable things to my neck, and I decided to just stare at his ceiling for a bit. It was a nice ceiling. Nice, and not doing unspeakable things to my neck like some people around here. And dammit, I couldn't even get molested comfortably, something was poking my leg. I sighed and nudged it with my leg to make it go away. And then Dr. Cox grunted again, and moved against me and oh dear god I was nudging him with my leg and oh dear god this is not happening. This is some weird daydream. Yes, none of this is real and your brain made up this nightmare as some sort of worst case scenario and in reality the Janitor is about to hit me with his mop, and my subconscious is showing me that it's better to get hit with the mop. That's what it is.

So how come I'm not back in reality? How come Dr. Cox just moved the hand in my trousers to grab my ass? Why?

"I gotta say, Margaret, your ass is one of the finest I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot," Dr. Cox told me, and then went back to doing unspeakable things to my neck. And oh, my ear too. I couldn't wait to tell Elliot that Dr. Cox thought my ass was fine. That would show her and her ass. Although her ass is pretty nice too.

And then his hand moved again, and this time to the front of my trousers. I repeated my 'this is not happening' mantra, but it didn't work. He had me. Quite literally, as it turned out. The unspeakable things had stopped, and I could sense the uncomfortable silence growing.

Dr. Cox lifted his head and looked at me. And looked some more. "Newbie?" He finally asked.

I grinned at him. "Dr. Cox." I wanted to tell him to remove his hand from my trousers, but I didn't want to draw any attention to the face that he still had his hand down there.

Suddenly, he was on the other side of the couch. He must've moved, but I hadn't seen him do it. Maybe he really was some sneaky stealth ninja. He just sat there and stared at me, which scared me more than the weird making out session had. "Dr. Cox? Are you all right?" I asked, pulling my clothes back into place

"Out," He snarled. "Get out of here.

I gathered my coat and got up, but he marched over to me so he could drag me over to the door by my shirt. I was thinking of something else to say when he opened the door and threw me out. "You never –" I started, but he slammed the door in my face.

I guess that means he's not all right and that whatever made him think I was a woman went away the moment he had his hand on me. Nothing says 'reality check' like a penis does, I suppose. I started to walk away when I heard the door open. I looked at Dr. Cox, who was looking angrier than I had ever seen him before in my life.

"If you so much as breath a word of this to any of your crazy little intern friends I swear I will hunt you down and kill you. And then I will resuscitate you so I can kill you all over again. You got that, Newbie?"

I nodded and then ran away as fast as I could before he decided to kill me anyway.

-x-x

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